… well, one of the many (oh so many!) reasons at least.
If bloody Windows had closed down properly in the first place then I wouldn’t have had to cut the bloody power. And then I wouldn’t have had to run this bloody disk check when I bloody started the bloody machine up again would I? And wasted all that bloody time.
Bloody Microsucks!
Um… did I happen to say “bloody” there at all? Well, just in case I didn’t… bloody BLOODY HELL!
Apple Claims New iPhone Only Visible To Most Loyal Of Customers
SAN FRANCISCO—In a move expected to revolutionize the mobile device industry, Apple launched its fastest and most powerful iPhone to date Tuesday, an innovative new model that can only be seen by the company’s hippest and most dedicated customers.
Get the full story on The Onion
Heh heh. It was only a matter of time!
Having just left a comment on mateys last post, I was reminded just how much I hate Ipods and the people that use them (bloody stuck up retards).
What’s so damn clever about an Ipod that most other mp3/mp4 players haven’t got eh? they all play music, the Ipod sound quality is utter crap, they all pretty much play video although I don’t see the point in watching a film on a screen the size of a stamp.
Most people seem to think that an Ipod is some magic box that is a gift from the Gods and that there is nothing like it in the world, I’ve got a Creative zen and have lost count of the times I’ve been asked “is that an Ipod or a mp3 player” I have to stop myself from replying with “Listen here you fucking poor excuse for a retarded monkey, an Ipod is an mp3 player, it’s just the brand name fuck head, now fuckoff out of my face and go play with some sticklebricks” the only thing stopping me from beating them to death with their Ipods is that it would just crumble on the first hint of contact with their protruding foreheads, such is the lack of build quality.
I once dropped my Creative whilst cycling and after the initial panic had subsided, I checked it for damage all it had was a few little sratches and lived on to old age playing away without a care in the the world, I doubt an Ipod would survive such an accident.
And so on to the type of people who have an Ipod, if you can call them people that is, brainwashed Zombies would be more precise. Just ‘cos the telly told them how great an Ipod is they just had to go out and buy one, not because they’re music fans oh no, the way the adverts are done you’re just a nobody if you don’t have one, so it’s more of a fashion item than anything else, look around you can see them walking around with an air of false superiority with their white earbuds on show, wearing the latest clothing fashion and floppy hair probably listening to latest song that Radio One told them is the bestest thing in the whole wide world, until the next song comes out in about ten minutes anyway…..fucking Zombies!
To nick a phrase from a mate of mine “let me tell you a story”…..
…my older Brother has, shall we say some mental problems which to some extent can make him a bit gullible and so when he said to me that he had heard that “they were shutting down XboxLive and the Wii online stuff cos they stopped the internet for 24 hrs” I was a little taken aback “eh, what, eh, where did you here this” I ask him to which he did this look he gets sometimes when he’s not too sure of the facts “come on, where did you hear this” I ask, he replies with that same look on his face “I think someone may be bullshitting me” “who’s the fucking moron who told you this rubbish” I had my suspicion’s but he confirmed it with “lee”
I should explain who this Lee is, he is my Mother’s, Boyfriend’s, son and on the few occasions when I’ve met him I get the feeling he fancies himself as a bit of an expert on all thing’s computer and gaming but doesn’t actually know a lot, I’ve met a few people like him over the years who claim to be experts in various things, now I’m not saying that I am an expert but I do know some stuff, so when one encounters these types I have a tendancy to ignore anything that comes out of their stupid mouths, but sometimes they come out with something so magnificently stupid that I have no choice but to listen, mouth wide open in utter aghast.
It turns out Lee was attempting to login to his XboxLive account on Tuesday and on repeated failed attempts came up with this theory (I wonder if these people have a little box or something in which they keep them). Now if it was me, I would check to see if my internet connection was working first before I jumped to any conclusions but he obviously has no concept of how the whole interweb thingy works, Fucking moron. I try to explain to my Brother, how it works, I even did a little diagram thingy to show how virtually impossible it was to shut down the entire internet for any period of time, I think I got through to him, it’s hard to tell sometimes.
Later that same day as if the Gods are confirming what a complete fucking moron this Lee is, three different people, with no prompting from me I might add, come into the Pub saying that their XboxLive was down all day Tuesday for maintenance, ah yes that exlpains it thinks I (can I say one more time for clarity, what a fucking moron).
It’s wierd when that happens, several seemingly unconnected events suddenly become… well, er, connected, I remember one time I was having a conversation with that Celtic scum about Capitol punishment, don’t know why, can’t even rember how it started, but I said there was no crime punishable by death in this country any more to which he said he was sure there was something to do with the Queen’s dockyards, I wasn’t sure about that but later that night I happened to be watching QI (with the genius that is Stephen Fry!) and one of the questions was about this very same subject! after freaking out I resolve to tell Celtic scum, turns out they abolished the Law about Queens docks.
Anyway, coming back to the plot, why do people do this, claim knowledge of thing’s when it’s quite obvious that they know very little, just fucking stop it, all you end up doing is making yourselves look like twats or just fuck off and actually learn about the thing you claim to know about.
Few days ago I get a phone call from a mate (yep, I do have more than one, strange as it may seem) asking if I can help him out with his brand new laptop that he’s just bought. First one he’s ever had in fact.
So I’m thinking “Probably wants to learn how to use the damn thing”. All basic stuff… like how to switch it on and what to do once it is on sorta thing.
Second thoughts: “Hmm… wonder if he’s got an internet connection yet?” Didn’t think to ask y’see.
So, trying to visualise all possible scenarios decide its prob’ly best for me to take along me little notebook and dongle thingy just in case we need to get on-line for something and he isn’t yet connected.
Yesterday then and comes to pick me up he does, kindly bloke that he is, and we wend our way to his pad.
Well, that’s encouraging. There’s laptop. Nice shiny new Toshiba. And there’s a router, lights flashing away merrily, wires strewn all over the floor, everything connected up.
So I ask him, “Right, where d’you wanna start then?” And this is where it all begins to go a bit downhill.
I get the first hint of a problem when he explains how he got the damn machine. One of those deals where you get a free computer if you sign up with an internet provider for a given time. A package deal that on the face of it sounds quite good but when you look at it in detail its obvious its a bit of a scam cos what you’ve effectively done is become locked into a contract with a particular internet provider (usually for two or three years) and paying an exorbitant amount for the internet connection to boot.
Oh well, that’s business for ya.
And in fairness, some of the types offering the deal aren’t too bad.
So who’s he signed up with, I tentatively ask.
AOL.
Oh shit! AO bloody L. Don’t like ‘em. Never have done. I could tell you some real horror stories about AOL based on experiences I’ve observed with other folk. Not that there’s anything wrong with the company as such (well, no moreso than any other company of that ilk) but its what happens to your machine once it becomes infected by them.
And “infected” is just the right word. They’re like a bloody virus. Embed themselves eveywhere, all over the damn show. And getting on-line with them is a real headache. Everything’s hunky-dory to begin with then suddenly, bang! You lose the connection. And what a right performance you have to go through to get it back again… usually entailing umpty-thousand phone calls to their support line (all at the caller’s expense of course), and having to fiddle with various settings and stuff.
That’s the way it used to be anyway, and I’ve not had any cause to suspect things have changed much over the years.
And there’s still all that “infecting the whole computer” business. In the past a few machines have come my way that had been tainted by bloody AOL and its very often taken me ages to get rid of all traces and get a machine working back to how it should. That’s to say, capable of getting an internet connection regardless of which provider is used, and free of all the branding that seems to appear on Internet Explorer and practically everwhere else. The little logo thingy that seems to pop up in some really bizarre place just as you think you’ve removed all trace of the damned company.
In fact, there was one machine I very nearly killed just getting rid of the infestation. Was a hair’s breadth away from having to reformat the C drive and reinstall everything from scratch. Just shouldn’t happen.
So, where was I?
Ah yes. Mate’s internet connection, and the fact that he hasn’t got one. Used to have, a few days back. Then suddenly, zap! No connection.
“Uh huh”, thinks I, “typical AOL”. And I’m now beginning to get a really bad feeling about this little session.
So, do a few diagnostics. Make sure his phone line’s “live” for starters. Look at the router. Bog-standard model. Netgear in fact. Not dissimlar to the one I’ve got, though a tad smaller. All seems to be working ok. No problems there.
Haul out me notebook then, plug in dongle and get online with same. Just to make sure I’m getting a connection from where he lives.
Yep. A bit slow, but definitely a connection.
Install dongle on his machine, coupla configurations, and bingo! Online. So machine’s fine. Can’t log in to his AOL account of course cos, surprise surprise, we’re not using an AOL connection. Well, we wouldn’t be, would we? Cos the damn thing don’t work. God how I hate AOL.
Anyway, give mate the third degree to make sure he’s not changed anything since last getting on line. Not tampered with the computer settings at all? Or the router’s? Not even unplugged the router since last successful connection. Nope. All as was.
Set up a wired LAN then between his router and my notebook. Still no connection.
Repetition of the third degree to satisfy myself he’s not changed anything with the router or any of the hard-wire connections. Nope. Still all as was when he was getting a connection.
Hmm. This could prove to be a bit tricky. Sounds to me like one of those dreaded calls to AOL support may be in the offing. Oh shit.
One final little test though. Shoulda thought of this first actually, but I hadn’t. Bit of an oversight on my part. Absent-mindedness I guess.
“Let’s restart everything” sez I. And this is where I begin to get my first hint that it may not all be entirely AOL’s fault.
Now p’raps I should mention at this stage that there were a couple of other little issues with his laptop that I’d put off sorting out cos they’d seemed they were gonna be fairly easy to deal with. Sort the major problem first was my approach.
Silly little things like his touchpad wasn’t working quite right. And a coupla anomalies with his desktop. Stupid stuff like that. Which I hadn’t paid too much attention to but really should have. Cos they were symptomatic.
So mate goes to switch the computer off.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” yells I as his finger hovers over the power button.
“Switching the machine off” sez he, all innocent like.
“Don’t you dare touch that button” sez I as his finger still hovers.
“You never, but never, switch the machine off using that button unless there’s NO OTHER OPTION!” (Which then entails a lengthy and detailed conversation about the possible scenarios in which you’d simply kill the power to switch off. With snide references to the bloody BS of D and that damn stupid message about not having powered down correctly so chkdsk has to be run blah blah blah. Of course it has to be bloody run and of course you didn’t switch off in the right way cos the bloody machine had bloody frozen on you. Cos Microsoft bloody sucks basically. Stupid damn facetious message. Like that other stupid message “You have performed an illegal operation etc etc”. So arrest me why don’t you. Microsoft? Pah!)
Hence follows an idiot’s step-by-step guide on how to power off a laptop.
Now don’t get me wrong. Mate’s a lovely chap, and not unintelligent in his own way. Just that he knows sod all about computers. Never having had one before. And clearly, like me, much preferring the “hands on” approach than having to wade through a load of poxy manuals.
So, we get the machine off (finally) and then we power down the router.
Quick beer and a refresher course on a few basics like the difference between powering off and hibernating whilst we give everything a chance to cool down. Real nice beer it was too. Apparently a cheapie “Sainsbury’s own” brand, but very tasty. Hmm.
Time to fire everything up again then.
“Right, switch on power to the router” sez I. Mate obliges.
“What? What? Stop! DON’T DO THAT!” screams I, panic-stricken, as I watch aghast whilst mate clearly is going to prod the reset button on the back of the router with a cocktail stick while thing’s still running through its power-on routine.
“And just precisely what do you think you’re about to do?” in a voice so reminiscent of a parent having caught their kid in the act of getting up to naughties.
“Resetting the modem” sez he, innocent-like again. Big sigh from me, with half an eye still on that hand of his which hasn’t yet moved away from the back of the router.
“Just put the cocktail stick down why don’t you. Like NOW!”
Lengthy explanation then about how powering off and then powering on the router is, strangely enough, equivalent to a soft reset. Better in some ways, in fact.
Phew. We’re finally getting somewhere. And I begin to suspect that maybe, just maybe, this ‘ere loss of connection may not have been entirely AOL’s fault. In fact, I’m feeling rather hopeful that we may get online first time around.
A hope soon dashed when it comes to trying to do the foul deed. Not a flicker. Time for the dreaded call to AOL then (I’m really gonna hate this. I just know I am).
Oddly, I end up (having negotiated their inevitable automated menu system) finally talking to a real live human. In quite a short time in fact. Even more oddly, he’s quite friendly in a genuine sort of way. And quite helpful. Actually seems to know his stuff. Bizarre.
So I explain the situation and he seems to accept everything as gospel, surprisingly not running me through the idiot’s guide to all the basics as I was fully anticipating. Takes my word that I’ve done all this diagnostic type stuff and just might have some clue what I’m talking about. Wow. Impressive.
“Let’s log into the router then” sez he, so we do. And as soon as he begins to step me through the settings I get an inkling. More than an inkling in fact. All the settings appear to have reverted to their factory defaults and quite clearly this is the cause of the problem.
Must have been something to do with mate and his perishing cocktail stick after all.
All done then. New settings saved. So I ask helpful AOL guy (I really can’t get over that. He’s clearly not in the right job and hasn’t sussed out what’s expected of him yet) if he’d mind staying on the phone whilst I see if I can get online. So he does. And I do.
Profuse thanks, phone called ended, and we’re in business.
Only we’re not.
Pull up Internet Explorer (gonna have to initiate mate into the joys of using Firefox… once he’s started to master the art of websurfing that is), AOL login screen and… pooh! Doesn’t work. Login not accepted! Screen name or password not recognised!
‘Nother half-hour wasted in repeated attempts to log in, each of us taking turns to slowly and laboriously moron-fashion type in the relevant details whilst the other slowly and laboriously (again moron-fashion) reads them out from the AOL “welcome” letter (and there’s a misnomer if ever there was one).
Further call to AOL then (this time ending up talking to someone obviously on the other side of the world) and get them to reset the password for us.
“How long does it take to type in a few characters?” thinks I as I roll another fag whilst listening to the ubiquitous muzak. Polish off the beer too.
But we’re finally there so with lass still on phone I try the new details.
Wow! They don’t work. Try again. Nope. Still don’t work. “Hah… gotcha” thinks I.
Lass t’other end says to me “Did you click the AOL icon on the desktop or are you using Internet Explorer?”
“Huh?” grunts I, idiot-fashion. “I’m in IE of course…” (“…stupid girl” under breath).
“Ah” sez she. “In that case you need to type in the full user name including at aol dot com”.
Then follows a rather amusing and surprisingly lengthy conversation something along the following lines:
MOI: So I type in the username plus the at and dot com?
SHE: No, username at aol dot com.
MOI: Yeah, username plus the at etc.
SHE: No, there’s no plus, just the at. The little a with the circle around it.
MOI: Yeah, I know what the at symbol is. So its not just the user name like it says on the screen but the user name plus the at followed by aol dot com.
SHE: No, you mustn’t type a plus before the at.
And so on, and so on, for a good five minutes. Me getting increasingly snappy and her clearly trying harder and harder to remain patient with this total thicko on the other end of the line.
Get there in the end though and excellent! We’re finally in, logged on, and everything.
Two things though. And two more reasons why I still hate (p’raps “despise” is a better word now though) AOL.
First; all those router settings. You’d think they’d include all those at least somewhere in all the bumpf they send out initially to new users. Wouldn’t you?
And second; wouldn’t you also think there’d be some message somewhere (at least on the login screen) that the user needs to type in their full AOL email address as the username when logging in through IE instead of just the screen name as they state. Wouldn’t you?
Bloody AOL!
Have to admit though, they seem to have done away with their habit of rebranding practically every single app on the computer with their own stupid logo. And they now let you use some other browser to get online instead of the default and almost at one time mandatory IE. (I know, cos I installed Firefox for mate once we were finally in business, and it worked fine).
But finessing their service like that ain’t gonna suddenly make me like them. Still think they suck. So there!
You are currently browsing the archives for the The Geek shall inherit the earth category.
|
The Daily Mash
