I may have to…

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Honestly, I may have to start writing lists and tying knots in hankies…something, anything to help me remember stuff…

I left work yesterday on a break, walked all the way home and just as I got to the top of the road my house is on, I suddenly realised I’d left my damn keys at work!

So I had to stomp all the way back to get them, and then get back home again.

Bloody stupid arsing idiot.

It’s not like I had a particularly long break, half of it used up with the walking back and forth from work.

So knots in hankies it is then…

–fotddarren

As if we needed any more proof…

… that yanks are stupid!

Do NOT approach buffalo!

–fotdmike

Methinks I’ve got writers block or something.

I’m getting fucking angry, nothing new there but at least this time it’s something I’m doing, well trying to anyway.

I’m attempting to write a post on t’other blog, and it ain’t going well…

Methinks I’ve got writers block or something, cos I just can’t find the words, the structure is all over the place and I’m just getting more and more frustrated with the whole process.

The frustration is getting me angry and due to the nature of t’other blog, I thought I’d come over here and have a good rant…with an expletive or two thrown in for good measure.

Not sure why it won’t come together, I started the post at about 11pm last night and after a couple of hours staring at the damn computer screen, typing stuff, deleting it, typing more stuff and then deleting that, I saved what little I had done and went to bed.

Got up all fresh this morning, made a nice big cup of coffee and settled down at the ‘puter to carry on with it…

And would you fucking believe it, I’ve been sat here now, for about another 2 or 3 hours and I still can’t get the damn thing writ.

I’m starting to think it ain’t gonna happen. I can’t be havin’ that, I know there’s a post in what passes for a mind somewhere, it’s just hiding and refusing to come out…bastard!

I’ve even resorted to having a sneaky peak at Matey’s somewhat twisted version, in the vain hope of some inspiration, but that just added to the frustration, don’t wanna just repeat what he says do I?

And the irony is, I’ve just knocked this post out in about 5 mins.

–fotddarren

[update – 17/06/2010 4pm. Have finally managed to finish post, about fucking time!]

This is actually gonna hurt.

Maybe… just maybe, one day I can get up and get through a whole day without doing something stupid and reaping the consequences of  said stupidity…

Recently, I have had course to purchase some business cards (makes me sound more important than I actually am), designed them all by myself, clever eh?

Except for one, teeny tiny mistake… I’ve only gone and put the wrong web address on them!

I know, stupid right?

Monumentally stupid, one might say.

It wouldn’t be so bad If it was just I that this mistake is gonna cost. Matey (yeah, HIM) also has a vested interest in the cards (he paid half the cost). I’m not sure he’s gonna be too happy about that, probably to the point were there may be violence. Not our usual type, oh no, this is actually gonna hurt… can’t say I don’t deserve it tho.

I guess I’m gonna have to take what’s coming to me.

–fotddarren

[update:15/06/2010 – Contacted the suppliers of the business cards and even tho it was my mistake, they sorted me out with some free ones…result.

It’s not often I say this but, it’s pretty damn nice to see a company treat their customers so good!

Also maybe now it won’t hurt so much.]

A monkey can do it.

I’m wanting a cup of coffee, so I walk into the kitchen and put the kettle on…actually I put some water in the kettle first and then put it on.

Rinse out the mug, put some coffee in mug and…and…oh bugger, the sugar bowl’s empty. Best refill it.

Pick up the new bag of sugar, eyeing it with contempt…

Not today matey. Today I shall open you without incident, no spillages today…no not today.

Afterall, it’s a simple task this, a monkey can do it.

Tentatively, I pull the flaps apart, willing this to go well….

That’s right, gently does it, just pull this side away from t’other untill it opens. It’s not difficult, you can do this…

Easing them apart, I see an opening….

That’s it, see you’re doing it, you can ope…

…Fuck!

“Well that’s half the sugar gone, you stupid idiot. can you do nothing right? it’s only a bag of sugar for fuck’s sake!”

If a monkey can do it, why can’t I?

This story was based on true events. The names have been changed to protect the innocent (namely me).

Many days later I’m still traumatised, but with proper counselling I should go on to lead a normal(ish) life.

–fotddarren

Best accept their requests, I suppose.

Why did I do it?

What the hell was I thinking?

Stupid… stupid… stupid…

What the hell am I talking about?

Facebook, that’s what…

That’s right, that stupid, retarded piece of crap “social networking” site. I should have known from the start it was a bad idea, but since when has that ever stopped me from doing something stupid?

On this post here I explained how I came to have a Facebook account, so I shan’t bother to repeat meself.

Basically I’ve got a Facebook account, have done for some time and have never bothered with it. Up until recently I’ve remained fairly anonymous, but now it’s all over, my cover’s blown cos people have found me and have requested my friendship… bugger.

I could just ignore them if it were people I didn’t know, but these are people I know in the real world, outside of cyberspace…bugger, fuck…best accept their requests, I suppose.

I liked not being noticed.

–fotddarren

Too busy laughing.

Ever had one of those moments when your body, or bits of it get in the way?

Me too, yestarday I was playing around with the camera and whilst I was trying to focuson the subject to be shot, my damn nose pushed the buttons on the back and actually altered the the damn focus point just as I was about to press the shutter release!

Probably would’ve gotten angry but I was too busy laughing at my own stupidity, which I do seem to do a lot, probably ‘cos I do so many stupid things.

The best thing of course, it put mate off what he was doing ‘cos he was laughing too!

–fotddarren

That’s the last time I put the rubbish out!

What a twat, who you may ask well who else…me of course.
Just walked out the front door to put some rubbish in the bin and SLAM! goes the door, oh shit, bugger and more colourful language,
I’m locked out and I’m not wearing any shoes!

Quick, who might have spare key thinks I, the inlaws maybe? and they only live around the corner (I know, don’t say a word).
Luckily, I did have my Mobile in my pocket and so I dial their number, ring, ring, ring and so on, oh no I start to think they’re not in and finally an answer, have to quickly explain what’s happened to the Father-inlaw and through the laughing he states he’s not sure if they have a spare key but he does have some shoes I can borrow!, well that’s alright then I’ve got nowt to worry about.

Have to ring missus at work to see if she left a spare with them but all I get is the bloody voicemail, then I remembered why the front door slammed behind me, I left the back door open to air the place out a bit so when he arrives with the shoes we dart around to the back of the house hoping that it hadn’t also shut itself, oh happy days, the back door was wide open thank the Lord.

So in case you didn’t get it the first time, What a twat.

And on a completely random note, thats the last time I buy a sarnie from Tesco,  bought one this morning and its left a rather nasty taste in my mouth.

–fotddarren

It just had to happen!

Apple Claims New iPhone Only Visible To Most Loyal Of Customers

SAN FRANCISCO—In a move expected to revolutionize the mobile device industry, Apple launched its fastest and most powerful iPhone to date Tuesday, an innovative new model that can only be seen by the company’s hippest and most dedicated customers.

Get the full story on The Onion

Heh heh. It was only a matter of time!

— fotdmike

Play with Sticklebricks instead

Having just left a comment on mateys last post, I was reminded just how much I hate Ipods and the people that use them (bloody stuck up retards).
What’s so damn clever about an Ipod that most other mp3/mp4 players haven’t got eh? they all play music, the Ipod sound quality is utter crap, they all pretty much play video although I don’t see the point in watching a film on a screen the size of a stamp.

Most people seem to think that an Ipod is some magic box that is a gift from the Gods and that there is nothing like it in the world, I’ve got a Creative zen and have lost count of the times I’ve been asked “is that an Ipod or a mp3 player” I have to stop myself from replying with “Listen here you fucking poor excuse for a retarded monkey, an Ipod is an mp3 player, it’s just the brand name fuck head, now fuckoff  out of my face and go play with some sticklebricks” the only thing stopping me from beating them to death with their Ipods is that it would just crumble on the first hint of contact with their protruding foreheads, such is the lack of build quality.

I once dropped my Creative whilst cycling and after the initial panic had subsided, I checked it for damage all it had was a few little sratches and lived on to old age playing away without a care in the the world, I doubt an Ipod would survive such an accident.

And so on to the type of people who have an Ipod, if you can call them people that is, brainwashed Zombies would be more precise.  Just ‘cos the telly told them how great an Ipod is they just had to go out and buy one, not because they’re music fans oh no, the way the adverts are done you’re just a nobody if you don’t have one, so it’s more of a fashion item than anything else, look around you can see them walking around with an air of false superiority with their white earbuds on show, wearing the latest clothing fashion and floppy hair probably listening to latest song that Radio One told them is the bestest thing in the whole wide world, until the next song comes out in about ten minutes anyway…..fucking Zombies!

–fotddarren